Every day, I am conflicted with different emotions.
High when I get what Keina wants when she cries and am able to fulfill her need.
Low when nothing I do seems to console her and when my mom or Naoki picks her up, she is appeased.
My mom once commented that maybe I don't hold her with enough love and patience and she senses it. And I am guilty of that at times I know. I guess I haven't quite developed the maternal instinct overnight. Though our relationship started from my womb, it has only been 3 weeks since I first met her and I sometimes look at her as if she is 'a thing' and I don't quite register that she is my baby. And I am a very task-oriented person. I just want to get things done and move onto the next thing but suddenly my whole life is Keina-oriented and part of me resists. And I guess Keina senses it when I pick her up. I pick her up thinking how long I need to hold her so I can rest or do my own thing but for my mom & Naoki, they have the luxury of holding her as if they can't bear to let her go.
Thus, I have tried to change. I tried to speak honestly to Keina and let her know how frustrated I am. At the bottom of my heart, I love her deeply but when I can't understand her, my defensive mechanism is to reject her which I know is wrong. And I am not someone to give so easily but this little girl is not trying to earn my love. On the contrary, she is expecting my love from the start and it is me who needs to earn her love. This is a very foreign territory for me. And it is very emotionally draining.
Anyway, to date, there has been tons of good and bad. The good is these days, she seems to be able to register my face and seems to respond a little to the tone of my voice. The bad is the numerous booboos and when she spits up milk, she coughs, she has diaper rash and of course, when she cries and cries to no end and I have to hold her in my arms for a good half hour or more to have her wake again once I put her down and I have to start over consoling her.
Well, will see how things go but I am so scared of my mom leaving. I am totally homebound and inept otherwise. My left wrist is already slightly sprained from handling Keina and that itself has made rendered me vulnerable as it prevents me from multi-tasking the usual chores. And it is amazing how the usual chores of bathing her, burping her, feeding her require so many hands to take various things. I wish I were like the witch who gets what she wants by twitching her nose. I would probably be a lot less anxious then!
3 comments:
Have u had your left wrist checked yet? Prob should not let it get any worse, so better to do it while your mum is still in Tokyo
Be patient too with yourself and Keina! Guess as with any relationship, gotta be patient even if things are not panning out the way and at the pace you hope and want. Keep at what you know is right and it should get better:)
One thing at a time too, don't get too stressed up! Ganbatte ne~
Ehlo!
It is getting better! thanks for your concern ^^
Used some ointment from my mom and it is healing slowly..
yeah it is going to be one long term relationship which I need to be patient about... Ganbarimasu :)
just think about poor mums in singapore who only have 4 months maternity leave and perhaps you will treasure being with Keina more... When I had to start Phoebe on bottle coz I was going back to work. I was so stressed!!! I had to pump 3 times and force feed her 3 times, coz she hated bottle. Always had lunch at 3-4pm, sometime even 5pm. You can total breastfeed her for long leh, must treasure the luxury!!!!!
Anyway, you so kanjiong to do what??? Your mum is here to help mah. When mum leaves, you will really have to scramble around to do stuff, cant carry her properly.
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