The ride so far

It has been quite long since I last wrote. But I have been happy busy really. Since Keina grew past her first month, she has been changing every day. Of course, with every change, I was faced with different uncertainties and challenges. But as each hurdle is overcome, it gets easier. I know there could still be some heartache ahead but I think nothing can be harder than the first month of life with a baby. It was just so tremendous a change that it left me feeling very vulnerable and inept. At least nowadays, I feel like I am finding some answers to understanding her.

So far, I must say the biggest aspect of life with her is breastfeeding. It is a lot harder than I thought it is. One would think it is intuitive but it actually takes a lot of practise to get right and I have endured quite a bit of physical pain to continue this journey. From having Keina battle at my breast from too much and too heavy a milk flow, to a painful swelling of a blocked duct from not nursing enough, to having to have Naoki administer a needle to prick open a milk blister on my nipple, to enduring a lot of sore breast from bad latching. Yes, very graphic but it is a damn hellavu deal. But considering all the problems I have encountered, we are very lucky to have Keina growing very well. Almost too well in fact as she is at 5.8kg at her last checkup at 9.5 weeks. So well that I have had my parents-in-laws chide me at 'overfeeding' her and not letting her 'cry for exercise' before feeding her. Both of which I disagree with for good reasons. I only feed Keina as much as she asks and I guess she has quite an appetite and crying actually releases stress hormones into the brain and I simply don't want my baby to have to cry out in frustrated hunger. Not when I can read her feeding cues in advance.

Another big aspect of parenthood is getting her to sleep. She is quite a picky girl, wanting us to carry her on the move. Not satisfied with just a cuddle and a pat, her cries escalate from a scale of zero to hundred within a few seconds, like how a Ferrari accelerates to top speed. I try not to panick when I hear her cry her lungs out but I have to remain calm to attend to her or we both end up crying. My dad will be happy to know that he has left a legacy behind and that I use his favorite nursery song to lull her to sleep as he had when he was around. It doesn't make much sense but it makes good rhythm and is easy to hum (and hopefully not go off-key). If you know it, it goes like this:

Are you sleeping
Are you sleeping
Brother John
Brother John
Morning bells are ringing
Morning bells are ringing
Ding dong bell
Ding dong bell

Well, I suspect it is a Christian song and the irony is that the lyrics refer more to waking than sleeping. Let's hope it doesn't confuse Keina when she begins to understand words better.

My little girl has also grown to be quite a chatter. The first time she coo-ed and smiled, I absolutely melted and teared in joy. It was such a moving experience as suddenly, all those sleepless torturous nights before felt rewarded by her morning smiles and it was all forgotten. Like a friend's saying- This much shit, This much joy. You feel like you are on the brink of a breakdown reaching your limit and then when she finally responds positively to your efforts, you just brim again with so much love you can start again.