Marriage is so much easier when it was just two.
I'd read somewhere that marriage is a labor of love. Not just a feeling. But a decision. A conscious decision to work at love in a marriage. And that, at the risk of sounding terribly unwise and ignorant, surprised me.
I'd thought that commitment is just about keeping the status quo. To simply not deviate from your starting point. But I am very human. I am greedy. I have needs and I have changed.
It has been harder for me to be happy with what I have even though what I have seems enough. With K in my life, I have experienced incredible happiness and joy but in that, her being in the mix has brought about incredible complications.
A lot of it has to do with how the goal posts have shifted with my expectations. Circumstances have changed them and I feel like I have been caught unaware. It feels like the inner me, full of questions unanswered, suddenly felt like drilling a nail in the walls of my sanity and wouldn't stop the noise. My soul is unquiet. My desires have no compass. I am restless.
But motherhood doesn't leave me much space to deal with these doubts, these uncertainties. It commands and demands so much of me to stay the operative captain of the ship that every day, it is just a battle of staying the course across the choppy oceans. I wish I can really just stop in the middle of all this and check where the ship is heading, what ocean it is crossing, whether the water is blue.
Keina stirs and is fussing in her sleep.
I am off to catch the steering wheel once again.
3 comments:
*hugs* I feel your sense of displacement. I can only imagine how crazy and demanding motherhood can be through your descriptions. However, as much as motherhood requires you to constantly react to meet K's immediate needs, it also requires you to take the time to think about your longer term goals. Afterall, how are you going to direct the ship full of K and N without having a compass of your own? I'm sure you'll find your compass! You've always managed to before! It's just temporarily confused but it's still there. =)
oh yes I need some Harry Potter magic!!! haha thanks dear :) I will hang in there and find a way I hope..
dear D, I loved your analogy. on many days myself I have no idea if I am in a ship, a speeding bullet train or a rickshaw. I have no idea if I need to run or swim or stroll. It a minute by minute, moment by moment navigation and survival that demands all the physical and emotional capacities I have.
multitasking takes on a whole new meaning.
i feel your ambivalence and your wandering and I really want to tell you that it is OK.
It is Ok to not know how you feel or want you want. It is OK to change your goals, change your needs, feel like a different person ....
We are too hard on ourselves. Sometimes we need to swim in the ambivalence, embrace and accept not knowing. And forgive ourselves for being human.
LOVE,
me
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