At this moment

I am just so tired.

Just as Keina was falling into a predictable pattern of sleeping by 9pm and only waking up once in the night for a feed, she has turned into a cranky monster due to what they term 'growth spurt'. We weighed her during her Hep B jab on Tue and she is a 6.23kg bundle of unpredictability. A very heavy bundle indeed at 3 months but her doubling her weight at this point is quite normal. In medical terms, she is thriving and the doc reassured my mom-in-law that her size/weight/frequency of feed is all quite normal. Thank goodness or I will have another round of 'well-meaning suggestions' to reckon with. 

For the past week, she has been crying for reasons unknown to us. Pulling at my boobs whilst feeding. Spending a good 30min or more at the boob. I wish I knew what could console her. I am most frustrated when I don't know what can ease her and sometimes it pains me that my cuddles are not good enough. Only the sling works. I suspect she has a strong nostalgia for the womb and at times, I wish she would crawl back inside and spare me the agony.

I think I am not a baby person. There I have said it. I cannot stand not understanding something and the loneliness of dealing with it all alone kills me. I don't mind doing things as long as I know it will yield a positive change. I guess you can say I am not very patient. Plus, I am a more intuitive person and I think all this mummyhood requires one to use the 'feeling' sense more. So actually, I really don't mind singing 45-60min of the same lullaby every night if that is what she wants but it doesn't always work. I hate driving to a destination where I can't see the end of the tunnel. And most of all, I hate driving alone. I wish she will just become a toddler over night. Is this what they call nurturing? I wonder.

A flash of a day in my life now:

Wake around 730:

Keina could be sleeping or up already and she is just quietly babbling to herself or observing the bedroom.

I go to the kitchen and put in the dry dishes. Pop clothes into the washer. Maybe pick up the vacuum cleaner to vacuum the living room. Take some herbal supplements recommended by mom. Go to the bathroom and turn on the heater to warm up the room. Prep Keina's clothes, towel, toiletries for her shower.

Around 830:

Naoki is up and showers her.

I dry her and put her under her play gym or on her rocker and munch of a quick 5min breakfast (usually bread or instant oatmeal).

Around 900-930:

Turn on Skype and chat with mom. Usually complain about how Keina was a brat the night before. Let mom talk to Keina whilst I collect the laundry to hang outside in the balcony. Prep ingredients for lunch.

Around 1000-1100:

Feed Keina. And then put her into the sling for a nap or let her watch whilst I cook,

12oo:

Try to have Keina on the bouncer chair as I wolf down my lunch in 10min.

Play with her. Put dishes in the sink.

Carry her in the sling again if she is fussing.

1300:

Feed her and read or sing silly songs to her.

1445: 

Try to put her down for a nap in the sling and I sit on the sofa trying to catch 40winks or get on the internet.

1600:

Feed her and prep dinner.

1730: 

Keina is in the sling as I cook dinner.

1800:

Eat dinner and chat with mom as she is either under the play gym or on the bouncer chair.

1830:

Feed her and put away dishes then play with her some more.

1930:

Start to put things away for the night. Lug all the gear into the bedroom.

Clean her face and smelly hands as she has been sucking on them the whole day.

2000:

Keina goes to sleep in the sling as I pace around the house to get her into deep sleep.

Try to walk and brush my teeth at the same time.

Fill up the hot water bottle and turn on the heater in the bedroom.

2100:

Feed her in her drowsy state and hope she doesn't wake.

Swaddle her and try to lay her down on the crib that has been warmed up by a hot water bottle.

If she is awake, sing and pat her for about 30-60min (depending on how long it takes to get her back into deep sleep)

2200:

If I am still awake, go out and chat with Naoki.

2230-0000:

Keina wakes and I try to feed her and get her back to sleep.

0215:

Keina wakes again and I feed her and I have to sing and pat her for another 30-45min before she falls deep asleep at 0300.

0400:

Keina starts to fuss and I try to ignore her.

0415:

Keina is now wide awake and babbling to herself. Crying out a bit to ask for attention.

I can't take it and nudge Naoki to put her back to sleep as she can't possibly be hungry.

0530:

Naoki has got her to deep sleep by walking around the house with Keina in the sling for a long time and decided to put her between us.

0800:

Keina wakes and my day starts again.

Well, despite that, she has some good progress. She loves to chat with me and can carry long babbling conversations. I have become more successful in eliciting giggles from her by burrowing my face into her chest and playing with her legs as I sing to her. And at around her 90 days mark, she has managed to hold her head up steady as she rests on her stomach. This Tweety Bird look is quite endearing but she is so different by night. Sigh.

Will hang in there and continue this aimless driving. Too bad they never come with a money back warranty. Sometimes, I really wanna throw her into the screen into my mom's arms via Skype and just run away. I am such a TERRIBLE person. Arrgh.