Moving on to 2010

2009 was a year of learning.

I learnt more about myself.

I learnt about how life unfolds through being with Keina.

I learnt to be grateful for life itself and to accept that nothing is fair or equal.

I learnt to go with the flow.

I learnt that I lack patience.

I learnt that I am a victim of my A type personality and that I need to manage it better.

I was reminded how we need to be constantly be thankful for the living through the loss of a loved one.

Looking back at my old photos on the eve, I realized that as I move further through the life stages, I feel further away from the beginnings- My childhood is so far behind and absent in my head though I have been trying hard to recollect it in a bid to understand Keina more. My spirited teenage years seems to have fizzled out of me a bit. My enthusiasm for the corporate wold is tinted with cynicism and disdain for its politics.

I look at the mirror and somehow, my face is definitely losing its youth. It's funny how those with youth never appreciate its meaning and only when its lost, does one look hard for it. I am still myself but somehow, the lines are harder. The cheeks are less plump. The eyes are more tired. The irony is that I look at youth straight in the face every day and it is addictive. I realize that it is only when I have a point of comparison that I mourning for its loss. Otherwise, I would probably still live life like that is no tomorrow. I can't when tomorrow is sleeping next to me every night.

We went to the shrine at noon today and I had a premonition that my lot, which we draw every year, wouldn't be that good. In my head, I was thinking back at what a terrific year I had and how I have been so filled with love around me. I thought that I already had my fill and this year, things should come down a notch. I'm a realist in that sense. What goes up must come down. True enough, my lot predicted a slow year for me. One which I need patience to get through and all of you know how patience is not my strong suit. At least I have great teachers by my side- Keina & Naoki.

In 2010,

I hope to learn to take breaths when stressed.

I hope to learn not to let disappointments get the better of me.

I hope to learn to hold back my careless spending on clothes.

I hope to learnt to be a better, more efficient cook.

Since my main resolution is to be patient, it will be a bonus if by end of 2010, I discover what else I can be besides being a mama.

As I sit here typing silently on the keyboard with the new silicon cover from Yin, I recalled what I was doing as the world was counting down yesterday. I was trying to calm a crying Keina by nursing her back to sleep with one eye on the clock. Hoping she would let go so I could join Naoki on the sofa in front of the TV. It would definitely be another terrific bonus if Keina grows to be a better sleeper next year. One can hope, yes?